The Best of the Rejected Best of Categories

This year, for our annual “Best of the Good Life” readers survey, we decided to expand the number and range of the included categories. Of course, throughout the process, a number of categories were eliminated. Here are the best of them:

Best use of disco: At 103 beats per minute, the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” has exactly the right rhythm to kick-start a stopped heart. When performing CPR, timing the number of chest compressions to the song’s disco beat helped students more easily achieve the American Heart Association’s recommended number of compressions per minute.

Best use of soup in a home invasion situation: Recently, Bob and Joanne Breiner returned home after dinner at the local Chinese buffet to find a drunken man sleeping in their bed. Thinking he was home, the man ate a crab cake from the fridge before getting undressed and sliding into the Breiners’ bed. Afterward, Joanne gave police a container of homemade chicken soup, cookies, and some spare ribs to pass along to their uninvited houseguest. Well done, Joanne.

Best completely made-up trend for 2009: Wicker. Trust us.

Most disturbing use of a cow suit: A 32-year-old woman was recently found disrupting traffic, chasing children, and causing general havoc in her Ohio hometown. The twist? She went on her random rampage while dressed in a full-body cow suit. Eventually apprehended, the cow woman remained in costume throughout her legal proceedings.

Best complainer: In 1973, Ralph Charell — a network television executive — claimed to have complained his way into more than $75,000 in savings after settling disputes with gas, electric, and telephone companies; landlords; car-rental services; and dealers of imperfect goods. Proving once again that good things come to people who annoy.

Best use of a mustache: Burt Reynolds, 1974-1985.

Best superstition: Walking under ladders. Originally, believers thought walking under a ladder constituted a violation of a sacred space and would unleash God’s fury against the offender. But think about it. It’s just a ladder.

Best use of a best-of ballot: To the anonymous reader who made a mockery of every single category on our ballot — naming, “down south” the best place for garden accents and “Hair Club for Men” the best place for area rugs — we appreciate your humor and your commitment. You’ve distinguished yourself among survey-taking readers of regional home magazines.

Best use for the winter issue of Detroit Home: Preferably you’d read it. After all, we’ve got the results of our aforementioned “Best of the Good Life” readers survey, a world-renowned holiday gift guide, and three homes bursting with vivid color.

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